All Whatever! = All Bullshit!
One of the most onerous duties of high school and college coaching gigs is voting on player awards . Awards like All Conference, All State, All Area, All American, All City, All County, All Region, All World, All Zip Code, All City Block, All One-Syllable Last Names, All the Single Ladies… is enough to make you go insane while pretending you’re an expert on players you can’t remember. Here’s a few things I’d rather be doing:
1. taking a steam with ten guys who just walked off their shift at the slaughterhouse
2. be a contestant on a show titled “So You Think You can Lance”
3. attend a seminar run by my mother titled “You Heard This Before, Let Me Tell You Again”
4. serve as a body-waxer in a Greek prison
5. attend an accounting convention
I don’t like awards. I certainly detest voting on awards. “ Why do I hate awards?” you ask. Because, like everyone else, I care about them.
My first awards voting experience was for high school All Conference. My team was below average. We didn’t have standout players. During the post-season coaches meeting I was prepared to do my duty, make sure the conference’s top players were selected. I assumed banter would be thoughtful and eventually we’d arrive at difficult, but well-founded, conclusions.
That was before I listened to this older Italian guy, who coached the worst team in the league, sing his players’ praises. “Everybody know my number six. She the one who control the middle. And everyone know my number eight. She the one who play my sweeper. They are first team, no question.”
I wanted to yell out, “Hey Don Vito, I don’t know what member of the five families you’re representing here, but your team stinks.” I held back cause it’s kind of a xenophobic comment.
Sport’s media doesn’t help. Writers need something to write about, especially prep sports writers. In 100 words or less it’s easier to talk about an award then describe a player’s attributes. National media talk MVPs (Most Valuable Player) and GOATs (Greatest of All Time) to death. Why? It’s fun. And everyone has an opinion or, in my case, knows the truth. Jim Brown is football’s GOAT. Michael Jordan is basketball’s GOAT, but Lebron ain’t far off. Wayne Gretzky is hockey’s GOAT. Babe Ruth is baseballs GOAT (but it’s completely skewed due to the color barrier). Diego Maradona is soccer’s GOAT. No comments please. These are verifiable facts.
My voting experiences haven’t improved over time. I’ve listened to coaches finagle, posture, hyperbolize and flat out lie. “No one works harder than Bobby. That’s the great thing about him,” one coach proclaimed.
“No he doesn’t, you lying pig-lipped phony. He didn’t work hard in the games we played against you and he doesn’t work hard in club soccer when I’m coaching him. He is really good though.” Again, I practiced self-restraint. I am a very cordial person – it’s hereditary.
One year a boy I coached was voted All Region Player of the Year. Here’s how it came down. The two best players in our conference were on an opposing team. Their coach didn’t want to nominate only one of them for Player of The Year so he nominated both. Their votes split and our player won Conference Player of Year Award.
This, in turn, led to our player automatically being nominated for All Region Player of The Year. One player on another team was clearly the best in the region. He destroyed defenses, carried his team on his back. A coach who had a vendetta against this superstar forward stood up and sang the praises of our player and our team’s success. Everyone in the room nodded and, voila, our player was crowned All Region Player of The Year. I leaned back and smiled proudly, disguising my guilt.
Ok, so I hate awards. But why, you ask, do I care? Because I have to care. The awards exist, my players are up for them – so I care. I have a vote; I’m required to care. But I do want the voting to be ethical and thoughtful. I do want to make sure every team’s players get their just due. It’s the system, and I’m a part of it.
Player awards can be perilous minefields for coaches. In this world, the players and parents are the ones most enamored with awards. Kids get their ego stroke and validation and parents, well parent’s get acknowledgement of their genetic contribution. They both believe awards matter – I mean really matter. I’ve heard stories of families stomping out of end- of-year banquets because their kid didn’t get an award.
“No-one’s going to recruit him now.”
“You, obviously, don’t advocate for your players.”
“Because you play favorites, now my kid isn’t going to play in college.”
“Because you played my daughter at midfield she didn’t get first-team all-conference, which will likely lead to a life of dead end jobs and drug dependency. Thanks for nothing coach.”
It doesn’t work that way –does it? I mean, no self-respecting coach recruits a player because he or she won an award – do they?
Bottomline, All Whatever! = All Bullshit! Here’s my advice for players. Be a player whom others want to play with and not against and your playing experience will be rewarding and your efforts rewarded. And if you need a shiny little trophy on top of that, you probably don’t deserve one. Was that harsh? So be it.
