The “Disastrous” State of US Men’s Soccer - It’s Gonna be Okay

As the result of a stunning cataclysmic confluence of wins and losses among soccer teams on October 10, 2017, the US Men’s National Team failed to qualify for the 2018 World Cup for the first time since 1986. Across our freedom-loving republic, grown men wept openly.[1] Women wept, too, but apparently that’s not considered a big deal because they cry about everything.[2] Betrayed by their American soccer heroes, children tore down, ripped up, and stomped upon their Bobby Wood posters.[3] Me? I stared at the TV in depressed wonderment for about two minutes, then I got on with my evening.

The US sport’s media covered the team’s failure as a major disappointment catastrophe. Every soccer “expert” on TV, for example, the sportswriters on ESPN’s Around the Horn and Pardon The Interruption,[4] agreed that not qualifying was unacceptable and it was time to do the following:

1. Roll some heads

2. Blow up Major League Soccer

3. Find some more heads and roll them

4. Blow up the entire infrastructure of US Youth Soccer

5. Keep rolling the same heads around just to keep the non-rolling heads on their toes and nervous

6. Blow up the National Team Program

7. Play a game of marbles with all the rolling heads

8. Imitate Iceland’s National Team Program

To all these so-called “experts” I say, “sit down, shut your pie hole and pour yourself a Mezcal Margarita.[5] Let me, a below average professional soccer lifer, explain why the US men’s soccer world has not fallen to pieces.

For clarity, organizational purposes and because it worked for David Letterman, here’s my top-10 reasons the sky is not falling on US soccer.

1. 26 years ago Major League Soccer played their first game in hideous uniforms better suited for skateboarders on acid. Today, players make a living wage playing in soccer-specific stadiums and wear appropriate soccer uniforms. That’s called progress.

2. Don’t compare the MLS to the EPL, La Liga, Seria A, the Bundesliga etc.... The MLS will never be of their caliber. That’s right--sip your margarita and listen as I repeat again: The MLS will never be of their caliber. And that’s okay.

3. Youth soccer, like all American youth sports, faces a dilemma – soccer costs money. (Your turn now--come up with a solution. In the meantime, I’ll pour myself another margarita.) MLS clubs have free youth teams. Advancements are being made, but we are a long way off from having a multitude of multi-million-dollar soccer clubs funding youth soccer. And it may never happen.

4. The 2018 US Men’s National Team wasn’t very good. As a group on the international stage, they were average – at best. No offense guys, but no one was Landon Donovan in his prime. The 2017 Michael Bradley wasn’t the Michael Bradley in his prime. The 2017 Clint Dempsey wasn’t the Clint Dempsey in his prime. The 2017 Christian Pulisic hadn’t reached his prime. We had better teams before and we’ll have better teams after. That’s how sport works.

5. Our government is not going to subsidize youth soccer or our National Team Program the way many other countries do, including northern hemisphere soccer darling Iceland, so let’s not talk about imitating their model. We might want to talk about imitating their intimidating Viking chant though.

6. Face it -- soccer isn’t our country’s passion. It ain’t football, basketball or baseball and it won’t be anytime soon. More American kids (at least if they live in Wisconsin) would rather be Giannis Antetokounmpo, Aaron Rodgers or Christian Yelich over Jose Altidore. It’s culture, and culture change takes a long, long time.

7. While some US soccer officials and directors might benefit from a course in logic, I don’t know if they’re deserving of a full-on head rolling just yet. Let’s give them a little more time.

8. College soccer gets in the way of professional soccer. A talented 17-year-old player has a choice: start a professional soccer career or get a free education and play college soccer. The first choice, most likely, gets him an average salary, no degree and a short professional career. The second choice gets him a chance to pursue the first choice after obtaining a free college degree and career options after soccer. Sorry pro soccer, the second, for most kids, is a wiser life choice.

9. Here’s a quick historical note. In 2002, the US played Germany in the quarter finals of the World Cup. In the 49th minute, with the US down 0-1, German defender Torsten Frings intentionally saved a US tying goal with his hand. The referee neither awarded the penalty kick nor red carded Frings. No one in the US remembers this because we have short memories and the game was played at about 3 AM CDT. The US’s successful 2002 showing, like the team’s 2018 absence, didn’t completely alter the trajectory of US Soccer.

Before I get to point 10, give me a minute--I’m going to pour another margarita. OK, let’s return to point 9; I want you to take a journey with me. Let’s imagine it’s 2002 and the referee called a deliberate handball on Frings, awarded a penalty kick and issued a red card. Follow me now--Landon Donovan converts the penalty kick, the score is 1-1 and Germany is now playing a man down. And then (listen to the crowd’s roar) the US makes it to the semi-finals on a Tony Sanneh head ball in the 90th minute. The US defeats South Korea 1-0 in the semi-finals in the 89th minute when Brian McBride nods home a Landon Donovan serve. Kasey Keller (Friedel got hurt) saves the day with a save on a point blank shot in the 99th minute (the referee inexplicably added nine minutes of extra time to a contest with no injuries). The 2002 World Cup final now pits the plucky (that’s the clever term all the US sports experts are using) US against world soccer behemoth (yep, that’s theirs too) Brazil. The US defeats…no, sorry, can’t do it, my imagination can only take me so far. Even in my wildest dreams, the US does not/cannot defeat Ronaldo, Rivaldo and Ronaldinho in 2002. We lose 3-0. Think about it, the above scenario is not farfetched. The US team was better than the Germans on that day in 2002 but soccer can be cruel. Could they have beaten South Korea in the semi-finals – for sure. Had the US reached the finals in 2002, would we have praised our youth development system in the late 90s? Yes, and we would have been wrong. Would we be in a better place now? No, we’d be in about the same place; maybe worse because we might have thought we already had a great soccer developmental plan.

10. So here we are -- lift your glasses everyone and repeat after me: “US Men’s Soccer has come a long way since 1990. Soccer is a significant American subculture. We’re pretty good at a sport loved fanatically and played religiously by most of the rest of the world. We may never be the best – but that’s okay.”

[1] Mostly because American football still couldn’t logically define what a catch is

[2] Relax, calm down, take it easy--I’m kidding!

[3] Is there such a thing as a Bobby Wood poster?

[4] Please note, the use of the word expert is sarcasm

[5] Because they’re really tasty